Electrons are smarter than humans

Note: I know this looks really nerdy, but the science is secondary to the snark, so don't worry ;)

Warning: Much tongue-in-cheek, much snark, much puns.

Electrons are subatomic particles that have a mass of 9.10938291×10^−31 kg. In no way can they be smarter than us humans with our big, squishy brains, right? They're not even organisms!

Today, I'll explain three simple, scientific reasons why electrons are way smarter than humans.

1. They have a purpose in life.

Admit it, most of us just lurch from cradle to school to office to grave. Oh, sure, we have people like Mother Teresa and Marie Curie and Steve Jobs, but hey, those people had to spend time finding their purpose first.

For electrons, not so. They're born with a handy negative charge, so they just keep on going to the positive ... stuff. Sure, they're a bit pessimistic, but they do try to look at the bright side. And what's better, they're always with a bunch of friends who share that purpose!

2. They automatically take shortcuts.

Because we humans are myopic, shambling creatures, we never can quite see the big picture and complete tasks with super efficiency. Electrons are again smarter. Ever heard of a short circuit?

Even though the circuit is waaaay bigger than a single electron, they are somehow able to take the path of least resistance and create a short circuit, saving themselves a lot of hassle. And if you alter the circuit, they immediately adjust. Better than the millennia of evolution for a "superior" sentient species, right?

3. They share and allocate resources for the greater good.

Bear with me as I go into more complicated science. So all atoms have electrons in their outermost shells. Think of it as all atoms have purses of money. Their purses can hold $8 each, and they always want their purses to be completely filled or completely empty. Unfortunately, they can't just go to the bank; they must get their money from other atoms.

Some atoms will have, say, $2 in a purse. These generous folks will hand out the $2 to someone with $6, so now they're both happy! When was the last time someone handed out money to you, not counting your parents? (And even your parents make you do chores.) Better yet, they'll stick together as good buddies (scientists call these ionic compounds), so they get a lifelong friend too!

Other atoms can really look on the bright side. Say two atoms both have a $6 purse. They'll both take out $2 and put it between themselves. So when they count their money, they end up with $8. ($4 in their purse, $4 total between them.) Basically, they turned $12 into $16. Isn't that just ingenious? (And there's none of that pesky compound interest, although these compounds are called covalent compounds.)

Note: This is not exactly how electrons work and I doubt your Chemistry teacher will be very pleased, but it's a handy analogy and how I learned it myself.

So you see, humans are really quite pathetic. Electrons FTW!